February 19, 2009
@ 23:59
things to do.
as much as i wished i was working,
i too wished that i was sleeping.
well,i was sleeping till about 1pm in the noon,
when i suddenly realise that i had to wake up.
so i washed up and just started thinking about what i had to do.
as it was too much for someone who just woke up,
i decided to THINK orderly.
after struggling for about 30mins,
i realise that it's still not working.
so i tried another method,
i decided to WRITE it down.
so this is what i wrote:
1) play piano
2) buy p-d
3) buy shampoo
4) eat lunch
5) cut fingernails
6) rent vcd
7) go over to mum's
8) buy marmite
9) polish nails
10) renew bankbook
11) photocopy bankbook
12) blog and chat
13) buy b-a
so out of these 12 things,
i managed to do 8 of them.
i didn't do 7,9,10,11.
well,im going to do it tml,on 20/2/2009.
not bad huh?
i managed to get it all sorted out,
which was kind of like the first time??
whatever.
so you should have known another thing about me.
YUAN SHAN don't like being ORGANISED!!
i don't like to organise myself around.
because if i did,
i probably wouldn't enjoy any of the things i did,
or anywhere i went..
because if i were organised,
i would be rushing things here and there,
which would make myself exhausted and flaring up,
and i believe,
nobody likes somebody flaring up right??
hehex..
BUT!! BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.....
do remember that this is something that i DON'T LIKE,
not CANNOT ok??
i can be organised if i want to.
so don't start throwing all your rubbish at me for not being a good woman.
i would be organised when i have to.
you have witnessed it yourself in the previous paragraphs.
so shut up.
don't say anything.
just nod.
inferiority complex.
i was pretty worried and vexed
about not being able to remember the melody of my exam pieces.
but my teacher just said that the reason for that
is because i've always been playing from memory.
well,truth is,i feel really disturbed about that..
not being able to remember the melody.
because that gives me a sense of unfamiliarity,
a sense of loss..
another thing my teacher mentioned,
was after the whole lesson.
she said that i'll be able to pass as long as i practise
because im quite musically inclined.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??
isn't 80% of her students all musically inclined??
isn't it supposed to be a need to be musically inclined??
what am i supposed to feel??
i feel really loss.
in fact,i really feel inferior for about 70% of my normal life,
and when talking about music,arts or even appearance
or anything that can be compared,
99% of the time feeling inferior!!
i don't know why i can't help that,
but it really just pushes me to the edge of the cliff.
less slim,
less attractive,
less suitors,
less talented,
less hardworking,
less achievements,
less improvement,
less happy,
less contented,
being one step behind,
it simply kills me!!
it's like,
if you ask me to give you reasons to die,
i can't give you thousands of reasons not to die,
but thousands of reasons why you should die,
because you simply asked me the reasons to die,
when you jolly well could have asked me something else,
like the reasons you shouldn't die!!
(you could have changed everything instead of just dying!!)
so yuan shan,
you should really buck up!!
i support you hor!!
love.
have you ever seen handsome guys with big sized not-so-good-looking girls??
or pretty slim slim girls with big sized guys with a bulging stomach??
how about a very pretty girl with a mo-peng face??
or even a capable woman/man with someone who only spends money then laze the butt around the house or just keeps gambling??
for the past few weeks,
i've been having a crush,
and then getting over it.
and i've found the answer to my question.
what does guys mean??
"i want you but i don't want to take responsibilities.."
"i can't stop thinking but neither will i talk to you any further.."
"it's not impossible for us to be together,just not yet.."
well,simply like the movie.
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
for my case,he's still with this girl.
and as much as every or any one else would agree,
he's probably still in love with this girl.
and as much as every or any one else would agree,
love is not about the looks,
love is not about the money,
love is not about the habit,
neither is it about the ability.
you can have a million and thrillions of dollars in your bank,
but still not get the guy you want.
you can prove to a thousand of people that you're better looking,
but still not get the guy you want.
you can spend everyday sms-ing him to talk and get his attention,
but still not get his care and concern.
you can try all sorts of methods to understand him,
but still not know why he does certain things.
maybe you can try turning back time,
knowing him earlier and trying to impress him earlier than her,
but you'll never know how the result would be,
because you can never turn back time,
and probably,the result might still be the same.
another thing is the saying that goes:
being with someone who loves you more than you love him,
is always better than being with someone whom you love more than he does.
for some people,
being able to be with the one you love,
you would be contented even if you're being abused everyday,
be it physical or mental,
just simply because you love him too much,
and could never let go..
and for some other people,
being able to be with the one who loves you more than you love him,
would always be better because no matter how much you flare up at him,
no matter what you do to him,
he'll still be there for you,
just simply because he loves you too much,
and could never let go..
maybe one day you'll give up on him,
maybe one day you'll be moved by him,
love is just like this.
no definite way is the best,
no definite command can instruct love.
love is just the way it is.