August 7, 2009
@ 09:17
gradual autism.
visited mum on wed.
don't really have anything on my mind.
just bored,and cuz of smthg mum said.
"do whatever you want to do.."
"i don't want to care about u and ur father alrdy.."
well,i like that..
cuz it goes to show that she has learnt to let go,
not holding on to me like a dog with a leash,
but knowing that i would come back no matter what,
because i know she would acknowledge me no matter what..
i've always been waiting for that..
conflicts are conflicts,just like friction..
be it smooth and smooth surface,
rough and smooth or rough and rough,
when rubbing against one another,
it just produces friction,
just the matter of the amount,
whether it's negligible or not.
i got to know that my dad had been tryin reali hard..
to show that he cares,as a father.
i was told that because of my father's family's poor financial state,
they didn't have enough food to eat..
and for that,it formed one of the reason..
that my dad and his elder sis is born of different dads.
not surprising because i kinda heard it before already,
and still,i don't feel anything towards my dad's mum.
she's not here..
she didn't look me up in my dreams..
i even wished that i could do something about it but i can't.
right now,though i'm told about their feelings,
i'm just going to stick to my plan..
because that provides me with better comfort and security.
unless i have a change in mindset,
or meet someone better,
it's going to be this way whether they like it or not..
as i spoke to my mum,
like..adult to adult,
my mum said that when i was 3,
because of a quarel she and my dad had,
my dad left me in the middle of the road..
i don't know why man..
she told me things like bringing me to Mcdonalds,
because that's where children like having burgers and play at,
and she felt that that was how she could make me happy,
remember my childhood..
i didn't realise that was her record of making me happy..
i didn't remember a single thing because of the fever..
i didn't like anything because of what i found out later..
she had suspected that i had probably developed autism.
and it seems to me like it's kinda wierd i could tell what's happening..
like..so wearily..
still,today seems so boring to me,
like how the past few days had been..
seriously,i have friends in other classes..
and outside of school compound..
so i should be alright with the quietness i contribute right?
hmmx..i feel so different..