February 4, 2010
@ 21:28
when i can't stop shattering..
i realise one thing today.while i was feeling rather sad about a text msg i received,and i was craving for cabbage.so i told my mum that i wanted cabbage for dinner,but she said there wasn't any,just cauliflower.i told her it's okay then..cuz i just wanted to eat more vegetables.
halfway crying,i fell asleep and was awaken by L's call.then halfway thru the conversation,mother came in and asked me to have dinner.i acknowledged and just went on talking and she just stood there repeating it over and over again.i was kinda shocked and annoyed but i just did what she said.i realise she'd cooked one more dish of vegetable,and prepared 六味汤 . i asked about the soup and she just said that it helps to enhance one's appetite.i had a little of everything alone at the table and as i was having my dinner,a thought struck me.
mother did made one extra dish of vegetable,but it was because i asked her for one.and after realising that i have been feeling rather moody since last night,she'd decided to make something to help bring my appetite back!!GOD!!how can i tell her that i've felt it??how can i make known to her my thoughts??*clang cymbals* if only i was that easy.
while bathing,i realise a little more.i was busy feeling sad,unappreciated and cheated.but thanks to mother,i felt so much better like i was being cared for!and i hope i could learn up the preparation of that soup,so that before it's too late,i could do the same thing for her.it struck me..what if one day,she went off all of a sudden and i couldn't let her feel that appreciation i had towards her through that soup,and that i wanted her to feel the difference in me?i wanna do it fast!! =)
another thing is,i realise that at some point of time,we all would want someone special to see the difference in us.one who had known you before you changed your ways,be it your family,your preloves..or your current sweetheart.and for the first time,it was my mother that i want,to be there till i had grandchildren,to witness that i'm able to be a good teacher to my children and future offsprings.i want my preloves to know that i've really changed for them,that it was them who didn't appreciated me,and that i had gone beyond my ability to show them my piece of determination.i want my present sweetheart to know that i'm capable of bringing them something that they could live remembering,and that i'm not someone you throw to the back of your brain and hate to the core when things don't work out.
Je veux juste que vous sachiez que je vous chéris